Garfism

Garfism is a Garf religion based on the life and teachings of Garfield. Garfism was a religious practice that was extremely popular in the Valve City Era (10000 BC - 987 BC), Gnome Era (987 BC - 1299 AD), and somewhat relevant in the Modern Steam City Era (1299 AD - 2035) and Fatberg Era (2095 - 3865) while also having history in the Tasmania Lore. Garfism is worshipping one god and one god only, Garfield. This religion also caused numerous Terrorist organizations to be birthed.

= Beliefs = While most Garfists worldwide tend to share the same convictions, there are other Garfists that have different interpretations of how the Bible of Garfism is told.

Confuzzyism
There is a similar belief to Garfism where one major opinion is different to the common belief. What I'm speaking of in this instance happens to be a fairly common alternative to Garfism, which is Confuzzyism, the belief that Confuzzy was the messiah and was sent down by Garfield himself to save humanity and offer salvation, as appose to the common Garfist belief that Confuzzy was more or less just a mad preacher who started the Garfeet Revolution in 5599 BC, alluring more Garfs to the belief of Garfism.

Garfvorism
There is also the rather controversial belief of Garfvorism, which is the belief that Garfield is a giant cat woman that vore's people. Those who have this belief are put to death as the standard Bible of Garfism demands it, for god knows what reason.

Salvation
In the days of ye olde, Valve City Era (10000 BC - 987 BC), nearly all worshippers of Garfism and similar practices believed sacrificing the non believiers/race traitors was the key to salvation in the afterlife. Often times in the Valve City Era, specifically after the Garfeet Revolution in 5599 BC, numerous incidents of sacrificial murders took place in Garfeet and Valve City, all done by Garfs. The sacrificial murders stopped after the Garfs as a race were almost wiped clean from the Earth during the Second Gnomistan Nuclear Holocaust that occurred in the early 1000's. This birthed the modern Garfist belief that you must only obey the 10 Commandments of Garfism and accept Garfield as the lord and saviour of Garfmanity to gain access to heaven.

Eschatology
The end times of all things, specifically according to Garfist eschatology refers to The Coming of Garfield, The Second Coming of Confuzzy and The Vore Event while there are thousands of others, more uncommon, it would be a gruelling task to include them because I'm only one man. The ones I've included are the most common eschatological beliefs.

The Coming of Garfield
The Coming of Garfield is the most common eschatological belief that all worshippers of Garfism believe. They believe that one day, Garfield will arrive on Earth in his lasagna space ship from the lasagna galaxy and will hand out an infinite supply of lasagna to all worshippers of Garfism. The non believers/infidels will be banished to the Lake of Monday to suffer for the rest of eternity.

The Second Coming of Confuzzy
The Second Coming of Confuzzy refers to the belief, often believed by worshippers of Confuzzyism, tend to have the belief that Confuzzy will return to Garfeet one day to commence his 1 jeffyillion year ruling on Earth. This does not contradict The Coming of Garfield by any means.

The Vore Event
The Vore Event generally refers to the Garfvorist belief that Garfield will come to earth just to vore the entirety of the Garf race and worshippers of Garfvorism. This belief is very similar to The Coming of Garfield with a sexy horny twist. Oh my lord just imagine being vored by woman garfield auuughhh AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OHHHHHH MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Death and afterlife
Most Garfists believe that Garfs experience judgement from Garfield and are rewarded either with eternal life in Garfield's stomach or eternal damnation.

Heaven
Heaven, according to the Bible of Garfism, is actually situated in Garfield's stomach. Basically, heaven to the Garfs and worshippers of Garfism is being vored by Garfield. But there is more to just being vored by Garfield, there is also feasting upon the digesting lasagna that falls into Garfield's stomach.

Hell
According to the Bible of Garfism, and the general belief of every worshipper of Garfism and similar practices, there is a universal agreement that the ultimate depiction of hell that Garfield wishes to offer non believers/infidels is eternal suffering in the Lake of Monday. This is where infidels will suffer for eternity, in a lake that happens to be a neverending Monday, specifically 7:00 AM. The Lake of Monday is rumoured to be an actual lake situated somewhere in the Lake of Ontario according to scientists, but what fucking retard would believe a bunch of nerds, am I right?

= Practices =

Communal Worship, Prayer and Monday Rioting
Usually on Sundays, Garfists living in cities and towns with churches available for access will go to the Churches of Garfism and pray to Garfield that Monday never happens again. Usually another practice births after this which is the Monday Rioting, a tradition where Garfists go feral and destroy and kill everything within their radius to make Garfield feel guilty about letting Monday happen or whatever.

Lasagna Ritual
The Garfist method of cleansing the soul from evil is generally referred to as the "Lasagna Ritual" which is the ritual act of throwing, traditionally a newborn child, into the Lake of Lasagna in Garfeet to see if they could eat their way out and survive, those who die are immediately seen as weak and unworthy to be accepted into the religion of Garfism and are sent to hell. This method of cleansing the soul was used in the Valve City Era and before the Second Gnomistan Nuclear Holocaust because, since Garfeet had been nuked in its entirety during the Second Gnomistan Nuclear Holocaust, there was no safe access to the Lake of Lasagna. Alternatively after this event, there were pools built outside the Churches of Garfism around the world and they are filled with lasagna in order to keep this ritual act alive.

= Scriptures = The Bible of Garfism is the written text that is believed by Garfists to be the inspired wordings of Garfield. The traditional belief is that Garfield commanded Huell Babineaux from Better Call Saul to write the Bible of Garfism thousands of years ago and lock it up in a tomb situated in the holy land of Garfeet to be discovered by the "chosen race" as the Garfs view themselves.

Confuzzyist Interpretation
The Confuzzyist interpretation of the Bible of Garfism isn't all that different from the original written text. There are a few things changed, specifically regarding the Confuzzy verses, interpreting him as the messiah as appose to what the original text states which refers him as a "mad preacher" instead.

Garfvorist Interpretation
Almost all of the text from the original is changed. In the Garfvorist interpretation of the Bible of Garfism every verse is a reference to vore. For example "At first, there was nothing. It was not until our lord, Garfield, graced us with vore that there was life. With a swift touch, the orange cat had created life itself by voring the universe he had created. We praise our lord for this and much more. Once there was vore, the cat created the 7 colours of the vorebow: Orange, Orange, Yellow, Pink, Orange, Orange and Black. These colours were meant to fit no one but himself. After his hard work creating life, the lord felt as if he deserved these graceful colours and he decided to vore them. Tired, the lord created the first man: the orange man. He mass produced the creature to make them work for him and later be vored. With wonderful sleight of hand, Garfield had created and vored not only mankind, but also digestion. For granting us that, we praise him. The cat felt as if men could not be trusted with the task of voration, and so granted life to another cat, Nermal. The two were very close, so much so that Garfield would on an occasion tell him the key to create life and then vore it. It was he who would later betray the lord and create Monday. The lord had been vored by his only peer; the only one who could understand him had turned on him without thinking twice. Betrayed, the cat created the holy meal that would later be named 'Lasagna'. Once he had eaten it all, Garfield vored the blanket and closed his eyes for the first time in 5 days. Fast asleep, the lord looked back on his creation and vored it."

= Demographics =

Garfeet Population
As expected, the population of Garfists residing in Garfeet would be the most as 99.9% of the population worshipped Garfism when Garfeet had populace. The exact highest number was 306 Trillion worshippers in 4096 BC which was half the population of Valve City at the time.

Valve City Population
Valve City had a high population of Garfist Worshippers, but the only known documentation is how many were residing in Walmart Island, Zombie Occupied Territory, Cambodian District and Diarrhea City. The list below is how many worshippers there were during Valve City's highest population in 5005 BC at 692 Trillion Residents.


 * Walmart Island Population: 54 Trillion Worshippers
 * Zombie Occupied Territory Population: 4.5 Trillion Worshippers
 * Cambodian District Population: 2 Trillion Worshippers
 * Diarrhea City Population: 30 Million Worshippers

It is unknown how many were residing in 100% Valve owned districts, but an estimated number would be something small like 500 Billion worshippers.

Gnomistan and New Launceston Population
In Gnomistan, during the earlier years of the Gnome Era (987 BC - 1299 AD), the population of Garfists was high and not so different from the Valve City Era's population of Garfists. This eventually changed after the First Gnomistan Nuclear Holocaust in 666 BC when the Tasmaniacs had nuked Gnomistan and later on liberating it, renaming the city to New Launceston where multiple Anti-Garf Genocides had been conducted throughout the entire era. After the Gnome Invasion of New Launceston had concluded in 27 BC, the Gnomes liberating and renaming the city back to Gnomistan, the population of Garfists remained the same until the Second Gnomistan Nuclear Holocaust where numerous districts of Gnomistan were nuked by the Tasmaniacs. Garfeet being one of them which almost drove the Garfs as a race and Garfists into extinction.


 * Gnomistan before the First Gnomistan Nuclear Holocaust population: 407 Trillion Worshippers (including Garfeet)
 * New Launceston population: 100 Trillion Worshippers (only Garfeet since the population was relatively low on the mainland due to active genocides)
 * Gnomistan after the Second Gnomistan Nuclear Holocaust population: 60,000 in Garfeet.

Steam City Population
Steam City had a very small number of Garfist worshippers due to Garfeet's failure to be rebuilt. The only known worshippers of Garfism were regular commuters to the Garfield Kart community hub that all of which happened to be Garfist terrorists and hardcore Garfism extremists.


 * Steam City Population: 20,000 worshippers (3,000 of those being actual descendants of Garfs)

Fatberg City Population
The only people to ever worship Garfism in Fatberg City during the Fatberg Era (2095 - 3865) were Greasy Gus and Confuzzy. They were the last ever Garfists.

= Locations =

Garfeet
Garfeet was the holy sacred land of Garfism and was home to the race known as the Garfs. It is where most of the Bible of Garfism is said to take place. Garfeet was where the religion of Garfism had birthed.

Garfist Church
The Garfist Churches were the standard churches that were built by the Garfeet Council. There were a lot of churches in Garfeet while few in Walmart Island, Gustavolands, Tasmania,Australian District, Thangos District, Retard County (including Diarrhea City, obviously), Cambodian District, Burmese District, Welsh District, Zombie Occupied Territory, Russian District, Sewage District and Steam City Garden with the most prominent one being the Great Garfield Church situated just outside the Lake of Lasagna, Garfeet.

Confuzzyist Church
The Confuzzyist Churches consist of churches that were built by hand by Confuzzy himself for those who obviously worship Confuzzyism. The churches were very common but often went to war with the other churches they were around, including the regular Churches of Garfism. There were a lot of churches in Garfeet while not so much in Walmart Island, Gustavolands, Australian District, Thangos District, Retard County (including Diarrhea City, obviously), Cambodian District, Burmese District, Welsh District, Zombie Occupied Territory, Russian District, Sewage District and Steam City Garden with the most prominent one being the St. Jon Confuzzyist Church in Garfeet Megacity, Garfeet.

Garfvorist Church
The Garfvorist Churches weren't the most common as they were against 90% of the traditional Garfist beliefs. Usually they were found in underground bunkers where Garfvorists would worship Garfvorism in secret. There were a few in Garfeet with very little being in Walmart Island, Gustavolands, Australian District, Thangos District, Retard County (including Diarrhea City, obviously), Cambodian District, Burmese District, Welsh District, Zombie Occupied Territory, Russian District, Sewage District and Steam City Garden with the most prominent one being the St. Squeak Garfvore Church in Garfeet Megacity, Garfeet.

Parma
Parma is a planet that looks like an enormous ball of mozzarella cheese surrounded by asteroids made of meatballs like the rings of Saturn and Uranus. The layout of the planet resembles an ordinary dinner meal. It consists of ingredients of Italian food, such as houses made from Italian cheese, the ground being a giant pizza with toppings, skyscrapers made of mounds of pasta and the Lasagna King's palace made of a bowl of spaghetti. It is a planet that is mentioned in multiple verses in the Bible of Garfism and faced an apocalyptic event that led to the extinction of all life on that planet known as the Pasta Wars.

= Races =

Garfs
The Garfs were a race of orange colored humans (they're not sp⁣ics) who identified as orange cats (on the side note, they hate furries despite the fact that they are, by definition, furfa⁣gs themselves). The Garfs originated from Antarctica, which they called Garfeet. The Garfs loved lasagna, absolutely despised Mondays and 99.9% of Garfs worshipped Garfism.

The Space Lasagna
The Space Lasagna are aliens from the planet Parma that look exactly like ordinary lasagna. The Bible of Garfism states that once tried to take over the holy land of Garfeet, with their plans constantly thwarted by Garfield, who finds lasagna delicious. They tried to eliminate Garfield with very little success which inevitably led to their race's extinction as punishment for trying to defeat their maker.

= History =

Valve City Era
During the Valve City Era (10000 BC - 987 BC), Garfeet, the religious holy land of Garfism, was liberated by the Valve Corporation in 7990 BC. Over 2000+ years later was the birth of Garfism, specifically in 5599 BC when Confuzzy had started the Garfeet Revolution and later on discovering the Bible of Garfism in a tomb situated in the Garfeet Rainforest a few years later. The worship of Garfism was primarily in Garfeet during this time, while there were some worshippers in Valve City, just not the 100% Valve owned districts as the worship was outlawed by the Valve Corporation. In 2000 BC, Garfeet Megacity was constructed in Garfeet after the Garfeet Rainforest was cut down, the original finding of the Bible of Garfism site still existed and was situated underneath the city square's St. Jim Davis Church of Garfism.

Tasmania
In Tasmania, specifically during the Francis Friday Era (250,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 BC - 6 Jeffy Year), the Garfists were sworn enemies of the Tasmaniacs due to events taking place that divided each other as a race. The primary reason was because of conflicting religious beliefs between Garfism and Francis Fridayism which started the Tasmaniac-Garf Conflict after the Garf Influx of Tasmania had occurred in 3654 BC. Numerous terrorist organizations had birthed on both sides, their goal being to drive each other's race into extinction, which they've been in this state since 3653 BC, ending in 2065 AD due to the events that conspired during The Fat Black Women Invasion of Tasmania, causing the Garfs as a race to go extinct.

Gnome Era
In the Gnome Era (987 BC - 1299 AD), the Garfists were often victims of multiple of genocides led by the Tasmaniacs and worshippers of Francis Fridayism. Both Gnomistan Nuclear Holocaust's had effected worshippers of Garfism poorly and almost led to their extinction, as was the Tasmaniacs goal. The Garfist holy land of Garfeet was left uninhabitable after the Second Gnomistan Nuclear Holocaust.

Modern Steam City Era
The Garfists had little history in the Modern Steam City Era (1299 AD - 2035) as during this time, the worshippers of Garfism were mostly Garfist terrorists/extremists, and most were in Tasmania anyway, but in Steam City they usually lurked around the Garfield Kart community hub.

Ireland vs Armenia Era
The Garfists all sided with Armenia during the Ireland Vs Armenia Conflict that originally began in 2021. During the entire era, worshippers of Garfism fought in the numerous wars that occurred all throughout the destroyed and war torn Steam City.

Independent Black Women Era
During the Fat Black Women Uprising of Steam City in 2039, Leshawna was single-handedly responsible for the extinction of the Garfs in Steam City. The Garfists were also killed, leaving the only remaining two being Confuzzy and Greasy Gus.

Fatberg Era
The only events that involved Garfism even remotely was anything involving Greasy Gus, but not really since he wasn't much of a religious preacher of Garfism. Not much involved Confuzzy as he was in Dchildpornlandia getting his hours up on Garfield Kart before he stopped to visit Gus Live 5 as soon as the Fatberg Era ended.

Gus Live 5 Era
The only event that involved anything related to Garfism at all during this era was Gus Live 5, the event that destroyed the entire pooverse.